Mother Talkers

Great Commencement Speeches

Sat, 17 May 2008 16:20:23 GMT

It’s coming up on college graduation season, and I admit, I haven’t thought about commencement speeches in a long while. I graduated from Boston University in 1999 (high fives to Elisa and Jen “Littlepear”, who also graduated from BU in ’99!). Our commencement speaker that year was Henry Kissinger, and it was an appalling speech. He made an a$$-licking reference to the school’s chancellor, John Silber, and that’s about all I remember from it. And I covered that speech for the Associated Press, my then-employer! I was taking notes and duly relayed quotes to my editor, but today, now, if you held a gun to my head, I couldn’t remember a single inspiring thing he said. I could Google it, but I don’t care enough about the ol’ war criminal (allegedly!) to do so.

I do, however, remember our class speaker, a young woman named Jenny Gruber who was graduating with a combined undergraduate/masters in something like aeronautical engineering and had won a Rhodes scholarship to study at Oxford. She also lived in my building our mutual senior years, and she was (I presume is still) a lovely woman. She grew up in a Nebraska trailer park, talked about watching her mother struggle to study for her undergraduate degree in teaching, doing homework at the kitchen table. It was a speech filled with beautiful enthusiasm for learning and adventure and gratitude for those who helped her on her way, and that was inspiring.

As I say, I hadn’t thought much about college commencement speeches since 1999, but Gawker linked to a few great speeches, including this one given by Kurt Vonnegut in 1998 at Rice University. Geez, I wish we’d been lucky enough to get this speech, because it was so moving it brought me to tears. Or I’m just hormonal. I allow for that. I’d love to plop the whole thing down here, but I’ll just do the beginning and the end.

Hello.
For those of you getting your first university degrees, I like your generation a lot, and I expect good things from you, and wish you well.

This is a long-delayed puberty ceremony. You are at last officially full-grown men and women -- what you were biologically by the age of fifteen or so. I am sorry as I can be that it took so long and cost so much for you to at last receive licenses as grownups.

I have not calculated how much your diplomas cost in time and money. Whatever those ballpark figures are, they surely deserve this reaction from me today: Wow. Wow. Wow.

Thank you, and God bless you and those who made it possible for you to study at this great American university. By becoming informed and reasonable and capable adults, you have made this a better world than it was before you got here.

Have we met before? No. But I have thought a lot about people like you. You men here are Adam. You women are Eve. Who hasn't thought a lot about Adam and Eve?

This is Eden, and you're about to be kicked out. Why? You ate the knowledge apple. It's in your tummies now.

And who am I? I used to be Adam. But now I am Methuselah.

And who is a serpent among us? Anyone who would strike a child.

So what does this Methuselah have to say to you, since he has lived so long? I'll pass on to you what another Methuselah said to me. He's Joe Heller, author, as you know, of Catch 22. We were at a party thrown by a multi-billionaire out on Long Island, and I said, ''Joe, how does it make you feel to realize that only yesterday our host probably made more money than Catch 22, one of the most popular books of all time, has grossed world-wide over the past forty years?''

Joe said to me, ''I have something he can never have.''

I said, ''What's that, Joe?''

And he said, ''The knowledge that I've got enough.''

Hand Wringing Over Handwriting

Fri, 16 May 2008 23:25:27 GMT

If today's parent didn't have enough to worry about, handwriting has been dropped from the curriculum of most teachers' colleges and is taught as little as once a week in elementary schools, according to Parents magazine. It is now up to parents to teach their children how to write and Parents offered some tips for your budding writer:

PROBLEM: Your preschooler has zero interest in writing...
Spray shaving cream on the kitchen counter or table and help your child write his name in the foam. The next day, draw letters with finger-paints. Wikki Stix, Play-Doh, and Lego blocks are toy-box favorites you can also use to shape letters...

PROBLEM: You have absolutely no idea where to begin.
It's best to start by teaching your child to print her name. But even though capital letters are easier to write than lowercase ones, don't encourage her to write her name in all caps. "It's an incredibly difficult habit for kids to break in kindergarten," says Dawn Audibert, a kindergarten teacher in Rockville, Maryland...

PROBLEM: After lots of practice, your child's letters are barely recognizable.
Get a grip...

PROBLEM: Your 4-year-old writes a lot of the letters backwards.
Don't freak out thinking that it's dyslexia! Writing letters backwards is a common problem in young children, says Jan Olsen, an occupational therapist who developed Handwriting Without Tears, a curriculum used in thousands of elementary schools...

PROBLEM: Your child's letters are larger than the top line of an eye chart.
First, make sure your child fully understands the concept of big and small by asking her to write the same letters in different sizes on a piece of colorful construction paper. Make it a game--and challenge her to fit as many letters as she can.

Amy's husband, Will, actually taught Ari how to write his name. I make sure he babysits Ari a lot.

J/K!

But I agree that despite the tuition I am paying, Ari has not learned how to write his name at school. I, too, have heard that it is uncommon for schools to teach handwriting before elementary school, and even then, instruction is rare. How did your children learn to write? Make sure you drop your tips!

Are We Worse Off Than Our Parents?

Fri, 16 May 2008 20:22:52 GMT

Salon ran a depressing piece stating the obvious: Due to increasing college and retirement costs as well as stagnant wages, we are the first generation to be worse off than our parents. While the American Dream is out of reach for more people, the richest minority has experienced even greater riches not seen since the roaring '20s, according to the article.

Salon's Katharine Mieszkowski conducted an interview with Nan Mooney, author of the newly released (Not) Keeping Up With Our Parents: The Decline of the Professional Middle Class to shed more light on this phenomenon. Here is an excerpt:

How would you characterize the educated middle-class professional you're writing about?

These are people who went to college and have at least a four-year degree. Oftentimes, they have extended education beyond that, a master's or a Ph.D. They're people who work in white-collar professions, usually not the high-end professions like law or medicine or finance.

Why did you want to write about this group?

Because I fall into this group and so many people I know fall into this group, and I feel like we fall under the umbrella of having done everything they say you're supposed to do to be financially secure in America.

There is this myth that if everyone could just go to college and get the proper job skills we would all be financially comfortable, and I was looking around me and saying, "Well, that's not true."

But if you have a college education you're more likely to be financially secure than if you have only a high school education.

Yes, absolutely. But the rhetoric goes beyond that. It says that you will be secure, and you will be comfortable. If you look at the rates of bankruptcies of people who are getting in deep credit-card debt, it's not only the people with the high-school educations. It's traveled well into what we consider the professional middle class.

How has college debt risen for this group in a generation?

In the '70s, we were barely taking out student loans. In 1977, collectively students were borrowing about $6 billion. By now, they're borrowing over $85 billion. That's a remarkable number. The number of students enrolled in college grew 44 percent between 1977 and 2003, but student loan volume rose 833 percent in that same time period.

There are fewer grants and scholarships available. If students go through graduate school, they can end up taking out over $100,000 of student loans. And if you go into a field that's not high-paying that can be a real burden on you for 20, 30, 40 years.

We are seeing more people going to college, which is definitely a positive move, but they're getting into a lot of debt to do it. The college degree now is what the high school degree used to be. You really need a basic bachelor's degree in order to be eligible for a lot of jobs.

Another Good BPN Question

Fri, 16 May 2008 17:01:44 GMT

Sorry to inundate you with so many items from the Berkeley Parents Network newsletter. But it really is interesting and helpful -- and conducive to some of the discussion here.

Work-life balance is something we discuss a lot here. What do you deem "enough time" for your children? Check out this letter:

I have a very socially demanding almost 3-year old. She wants non-stop conversation, and it wears me out. She receives a LOT of attention, from my partner (who is a stay at home mom), from her preschool teacher (she goes to preschool 18 hours a week), and from me (I spend time with her before work as well as from 6:30-9:00pm weekdays and all day weekends), yet it is never enough. We have two other children who aren't as demanding (and who sleep more) who also need attention, and it would be great for my mental health (and for my partner's) to get some time to myself/ourselves (which we never do). And the less attention the almost 3 year old gets, the more she acts out. We're willing to put limits on her, but I'm not sure where the limits should be. What is the balance between putting my kids first and keeping my sanity? I feel guilty for time I have ''free'' that I'm not spending with my kids, yet I often end up resentful. (I should note that I love spending time with them, but as an introvert I also love time to myself.) So I ask you, kind advisors, how much time do you think the working parent should spend with his or her children each week, and how much time does the working parent actually spend with your children (if you could note how many children you have that would be helpful)?
-introvert parent of an extrovert

I feel this writer's pain. Eli is already 13 months old and her daily 6 a.m. wake up call has gotten tiresome. She still doesn't walk, but demands to hold my hand and walk around the house. Sometimes for an hour. If I don't comply? Watch out! Zero to three is rough -- at least it is for me.

Nonetheless, I do take time for myself even if it's for only an hour so I can work out. My husband usually takes the kids on a walk and I repay the favor so he can get alone time, too. I figure as long as we eat together as a family in the evenings -- when we can, meaning DH is not gone on a business trip -- and the quality of the time with the kids is interactive, quantity is not the be-all, end-all. What do you think? How do you break up your time between work, kids and personal downtime?

Weekend Open Thread

Fri, 16 May 2008 14:05:17 GMT

Author and activist Alice Walker is still publicly feuding with her daughter, Rebecca. Well, Rebecca keeps talking about it to the press, this time with the Sunday Times of London.

“My mother did a lot of leaving to go to her writing retreat, which was over 100 miles away — so she’d go there and leave me a little bit of money, leave me in the care of a neighbour,” recalls Rebecca, now 38.

“When I was pregnant at 14, I think it was because I was so lonely that I was reaching out through my sexuality. My mother’s a crusader for daughters around the world, but couldn’t see that her own daughter was having a difficult time. It was me having to psycho-emotionally tiptoe around her, rather than her taking care of me.”

Walker is furious with Rebecca for making such sentiments public, and mother and daughter are estranged with little hope of reconciliation. Rebecca has a three-year-old son, Tenzin, whom her mother has never seen. Their last meaningful exchange, during Rebecca’s pregnancy, ended in Walker sending a terse e-mail in which she resigned from “the job” of being her mother, and told her that in any case their relationship had been “inconsequential” for years.

The depth of her anger was such that she refused to budge even when Rebecca had a difficult birth and Tenzin’s life hung in the balance in a special-care baby unit. “My father called her to tell her what was happening. He couldn’t imagine that she wouldn’t run right over . . . In some ways, I wanted her to — but in other ways, I didn’t. I knew she wouldn’t be able to be there for me in the way I wanted. It would be problematic.”

Ouch.

In-Home Care Costs Shoot Through the Roof: The costs of in-home care for an elderly patient has risen by 17 percent since 2004 to $76,460 a year, according to the Alzheimer's Association. As the organization recently pointed out in its newsletter, many Americans are woefully unprepared to deal with skyrocketing costs and a dwindling number of options to care for their elderly family members.

Ford Recalls Pick-Up Trucks: In case you missed it, Ford has recalled its F-150 pickup truck and Lincoln Mark LT because of a faulty hose tied to the trucks' brakes, according to the Associated Press. The recall affects more than 600,000 customers in the United States and another 50,000 in Canada.

Immoral and Unconscionable: The military junta that controls Burma continues to bar foreign aid, including that from nearby Thailand, according to the Associated Press. Yet, the death toll in the country from a vicious cyclone is about to reach 127,000. Sick.

To Eat Or Not To Eat

Thu, 15 May 2008 23:17:19 GMT

I've been thinking about food lately. Actually, I think about food all the time, since I'm the person in our house who shops for it and prepares it and we're all big eaters.

But what I've been thinking about more is how normal it is for women not to eat, how a woman can be engaging in very bizarre behavior when it comes to food and no one really bats an eye. For example:

I work with a woman who is thin to the point where her shoulder bones jut out. I seriously could put my fingers around her ankle - and I don't have big hands. She keeps a big jar of candy in her office and routinely brings in homemade cupcakes for the staff. But she never eats the treats herself, at least not in view of anyone else in the office.

Another woman I work with, whom I see only occasionally, gets thinner and thinner and thinner each time, like she is slowly disappearing. This is a bright, dynamic person who is very smart and engaging. But I took her out to lunch at a very nice restaurant and had to sit there while she pretended to eat. I seriously don't think she took more than one bite of her food.

Lori Drew(MySpace hoax) indicted

Thu, 15 May 2008 22:03:09 GMT

To refresh your memory,she's the St.Louis Mom who created a fake MySpace profile as a teenage boy to torment her daughter's former 13 year old friend.. The girl she was sending messages to ended up committing suicide.I know we talked about this when it happened. Any thoughts?
http://www.cnn.com/...

Update on Affair That Ended In Pregnancy

Thu, 15 May 2008 21:35:53 GMT

God I love the soap opera that is Berkeley Parents Network. Remember that letter I published last week about the husband who had an affair that resulted in a pregnancy? The wronged wife wrote BPN, wondering how they could fit the child into their lives.

Well, the responses have started trickling in...

i believe G. Getty had a secret family. i hope you are VERY wealthy. you found out a few weeks ago? um, this is a lifetime commitment. i am an optimist but this sounds disastrous unless you and hubby and the other mom are the coolest folks on earth. when our relationships are rocked we all seek an explanation. in my humble opinion you are in the denial phase. consider your needs as you work through this.

This is EXACTLY what I thought when I first read her letter! She sounded way too calm, as if she were numb and in denial. Here are more responses:

I admire you, for your selfless perspective, thinking first about the baby and the families' futures. From your letter, however, it seems that your husband and his mistress are as concerned to keep their relationship as the baby. Be wary of this! But for the baby, what should be decided first is for him or her to live in a single family, preferably with a two-parent family. One of the following needs to be decided: whether you and your husband adopt the baby, or whether the mistress (assuming she's single) gives the baby up for adoption to another family. If you adopt the baby, it is the birth mother that will be driving the long distances for occasional visits. Either way your husband will need legal recognition as father. You have already decided that you and your husband should not divorce - presumably because there are other children that should not live without a two parent family. You have already done the right thing for your children, and hopefully your emtional strength will help your husband's child as well!

I completely agree with this writer:

I'm sorry to hear about your story. I also realize you are asking for advice on how to make this work. I kept on thinking and realized there's no way for this to work and let me tell you why: your husband has a pattern of cheating and there is a pattern of you forgiving him. You even say you are not too caught up in the affair right now. He's going to therapy bc. he's scared of what's ahead. But my gut feeling is that once he gets out of his shock he will go back to his old ways. The woman is in another city; he had an affair with her two years ago and again a few weeks ago. How do you know he won't cheat on you again when he goes there in the future? Why have 'they' decided to keep the child without asking you, the wife and mother of his current child? If the woman is pregnant that means he didn't use protection: he didn't mind putting you at risk of getting a disease, he didn't mind that by putting you, and himself, at risk, your child might end up with sick parents...or no parents at all. How are you going to explain to your child what happened and how are you going to explain you condoning that? We judge people by their actions, not their words. And, up to now, his actions tell you he's very likely to cheat on you again and maybe get someone else pregnant. What will you do then? I honestly do not judge you bc. I believe that for you to put up with something like and allow him to do that to your child it must be bc. you are scared to be on your own. I'm hoping it's not that he makes a lot of money and you don't want to lose your current position. I am divorced myself and it's scary but it's very possible and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. If he's willing to be responsible, then he will support your child after you divorce him; if not, then he will not be responsible while you are married to him either. I worry bc. this is not a new thing: he consistently cheated in the past: it's not shock that's making you forgive him. Have you considered doing some therapy? Do you have family, friends in the area? I feel really bad for you but a million times worse for your child. Pls, sit down calmly and with as much hope as you can think of and think of yourself, but MAINLY, of your child: you have to; he's obviously not thinking of either of you. I trully wish you good luck and the strenght to do what's right for your child and yourself.
It takes strenght

I grew up with a lot of machismo and saw many wronged wives suffering in silence. This husband put his wife at risk and has clearly shown what he thinks of her. Where is this woman's pride? Grow some cojones and move on, mujer!

CA Supreme Court Overturns Ban On Same Sex Marriage

Thu, 15 May 2008 18:36:25 GMT

LA Times story

SAN FRANCISCO -- The California Supreme Court ruled today that same-sex couples should be permitted to marry, rejecting state marriage laws as discriminatory.

The state high court's ruling was unlikely to end the debate over gay matrimony in California. A group has circulated petitions for a November ballot initiative that would amend the state Constitution to block same-sex marriage, and the Legislature has twice passed bills to authorize gay marriage. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoed both.

No Dating Until She's 30

Thu, 15 May 2008 17:53:32 GMT

Most recently, I heard this from another dad at the YMCA during my daughter's t-ball practice. "She's not dating until she's 30, or until she meets a guy who's a better shot then me."

I understand that this is not meant to be literal. My husband has said it. It's something I even hear from men with no children. But accuse me of being anally PC if you will, it's not a line of humor I find particularly funny.

It wasn't an appropriate setting for a philosophical argument, so I said jokingly "that means having a daughter at home until she dies. Moping around in your basement, pasty, depressed..."
"That's fine!"

When Did You Have Your First Child?

Thu, 15 May 2008 16:47:45 GMT

Parents magazine ran a fun article comparing the pros and cons of having children early, late in life or somewhere in between. It peppered the article with some interesting statistics.

The first mom, Carla Lehrer, had her first baby at 21. She was married in her sophomore year of college, pregnant by second semester and took a year off when the baby was born. By graduation, she was pregnant with her second child.

BEING A YOUNG MOM means that it's hard not be selfish about my time. I used to sleep in, read, or watch TV whenever I wanted and go out with friends any night I pleased. All these freedoms go away when you're a parent.

BOUNCING BACK AFTER pregnancies is easier when you're younger. I've gotten down to my starting weight after each one. Two weeks after I had Aliza I was in a bridesmaid dress.

I'M HAPPY THAT my kids have young grandparents--they're all in their 50s--and seven great-grandparents. I'm always calling my mom and mother-in-law for advice, and I also go to Facebook, where I started my own young moms group called Mommy and Me.

Women ages 20 to 24 give birth to about a quarter of all babies each year.

Wow. I felt like I was still finding myself at this age. I couldn't imagine being pregnant as an undergrad! Then again, I do wish I had the energy from my college days.

Children and Religion Part 100

Thu, 15 May 2008 14:10:29 GMT

As I have mentioned at least 99 times before -- hence the title of this post -- one of the parenting areas I grapple with is if, and whether, I should raise my children in a certain faith.

My husband and I are lapsed Catholics. While he does not miss going to church, I sometimes do. Also, I do think my Catholic education gave me a foundation for my beliefs, particularly in social justice and politics. I am not saying that someone could not hold these beliefs anyway -- especially if parents practice what they preach -- but I want to at least give my children the choice. Finally, the more outdated dogma of the Catholic Church will not change if progressive thinkers leave.

So here's my (latest) dilemma: I am having a hard time reconciling this good faith effort with my shaky faith in some of the stories in the bible. Most recently, I purchased The Beginner's Bible for Toddlers at a Walgreen's for Ari. The book is written simply and in a way to hold the attention of a four-year-old. I highly recommend it as Ari and I have had some interesting discussions about it, which leads me to my concerns.

He was particularly hung up about the story of Joseph and the coat of many colors. This story, in the book of Genesis, is about a father Jacob who has 12 sons, but Joseph is his favorite. At the exclusion of the other sons, Jacob gives Joseph a coat of many colors. The brothers are so jealous of Joseph that they throw him in a jail in Egypt.

Ari kept quizzing me on why Jacob would give Joseph a coat and not his brothers.

"I am not sure," I uncomfortably reply. "But maybe it was because it was his birthday."

"If it's his birthday, then it's okay to give him a gift," Ari said.

"Yes," I replied. The truth is I would never pick favorites among my children and would have made sure that they all received presents, I told Ari. I feel like I had to qualify many of my answers with these stories like the one about David and Goliath -- "I don't like fighting of any kind," I told Ari -- and prophets who received orders from God -- a voice in the sky.

It's Twins for Angelina Jolie!

Wed, 14 May 2008 22:31:28 GMT

After Kung Fu Panda co-star Jack Black spilled the beans, Angelina Jolie has confirmed to Access Hollywood that she and Brad Pitt are expecting twins, according to an article on People.com.

No mention of the due date or gender of the babies who will be Jolie's and Pitt's fifth and sixth children.

Jolie and Black will appear on Access Hollywood tonight.

TV watching AT the dinner table: yea or nay?

Wed, 14 May 2008 19:38:35 GMT

As a parent, I don’t consider myself uptight. My kid owns lots of shiny plastic toys; she has a sip of my soda on occasion. She eats cookies and watches Thomas the Tank Engine on TV. We even bought her a portable DVD player to make long plane rides and car trips more bearable for everyone.

But the other day I saw something that left me completely baffled. Last week we had dinner at a local brewery/restaurant. It was our first time there and I was pleased to find a noisy, family-friendly atmosphere complete with crayons and a kid’s menu.

We settled in with our drinks and were about to dig into our beer bread when I happened to catch a glance of a family sitting two tables over. There was a mom, a dad, an elderly gentleman (Grandpa?) and a little girl who was about 4 years old. The adults were engaged in conversation, and the little girl was watching “Happy Feet” on a portable DVD player– complete with headphones.

I was so fascinated that I couldn’t stop glancing over there. I thought maybe the DVD player would be put away when the food arrived, but no...she munched on her fries while she ate in complete silence, engrossed by the antics of the CGI penguins. Her parents never once spoke to her, asked if she needed anything, or engaged her in any way.

On the one hand: sheer genius! That DVD player is like a portable babysitter and probably allowed the parents to have a very pleasant meal without any whining, spilling, or demands.

On the other hand: what the hell? Isn’t part of having children learning how to deal with them? Teaching them how to behave properly in public places? How to have a pleasant conversation over a family meal? Enjoying their company?

My daughter has had her share of meltdowns and tantrums in public places. It isn’t fun to have to swoop her into the restroom or take her outside for a time-out and feel people’s eyes on you as you make a hasty exit. But the end result is that she generally does great in public settings. She is cheerful and pleasant and says “thank you” to our servers. We enjoy eating out as a family, and that includes our 3-year-old daughter. It would never occur to me to slap a DVD player in front of her then proceed to ignore her while we’re out for a meal.

What do you think: do you feel sorry for this little girl, like I did, or will you be stealing the DVD-as-babysitter idea for your next meal out? Are we raising a generation of socially maladjusted children thanks to DVD players, texting and iPods? Or am I being too judgy? Weigh in!

Student mock elections

Wed, 14 May 2008 19:01:58 GMT

I don't think our kids get much civic education any more. This fall presents an opportunity to have a presidential election in school that could pattern itself after the one that will be on the ballot.

Did you ever have a presidential election when you were in school?

I got interested in the idea of bringing this up at my son's school, and it turns out there are state and national initiatives with materials available for participating.